Homemaking 911

Reader question:

At what age do you allow appropriate debate?

Laura

My Answer:

Excellent question.  Before a child has the freedom to debate or question my decisions, they must show that at least about 90% of the time they accept my authority and decisions.  This can be fairly young or may be something that is established well when they are young, but they lose it as they get older. 

 

Once they have proven they will obey you, you may give them a safe and appropriate way to ask you for more information or to share their own different ideas.  In our home, they do not get to just throw the question WHY? back at the end of a command.  They must (in a respectful tone ask:  “May I please ask you why?”  Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no. The true test of whether they accept your authority is when you say “No.”  A morally responsible child will then proceed to do as you asked.  You see, many children just say why as a form of argument.  But as they grow older, they really do sometimes want to understand your decisions.

 

Tonight, for example Sarah asked if she could leave the house and go to a friend’s house a couple of streets over.  My answer was no.  She immediately asked “May I please ask you why?” and I explained that I thought it would be getting dark soon and she needed to be geting ready for bed since it was Sunday and I usually have them go to bed a little earlier.  At this point, she said, “Okay” and although she was not happy about my decision, she was respectful of it.

 

Now, other times she may share more information with me.  I have the right to take that into consideration or not.  On another similar night she asked if she could go outside and I gave essentially the same answer.  Then she said: Several kids are playing basketball here right on the street.  Would it be okay if I joined them for as long as you say it is okay?  If you call me outside I will be able to hear you.”  This seemed sensible to me, so I allowed it.  However, if she had been snotty or rude with my initial answer of “no” then she would have lost the ability to share more information.  Does that make sense?

 

Even David at age 4 had the right to share more information at times.  I can think of times when he had finished all his chores and such and asked to play the wii.  I said no.  He said:  May I please ask you why? and I replied that he had enough screen time for the day.  He threw a HUGE fit.  Not only did he lose the right to ask me why for awhile, he also lost screen time for a week.  Each time he would ask to play on the computer or watch a movie, I would simply remind him he must wait for a week to show mommy he had self control when told “no.”  Since then, when he asks to play wii or watch a movie and I say no, he seems to accept it, although he still sometimes says things like; OH MAN!  I do not really scold him for that because he is just expressing his disappointment, but not being disrespectful.  From an older child I would consider that rude and if he continues to do that, eventually I will sit him down and talk to him about it.

 

Happy Homemaking!

Malia

 

Here are some resources you may find helpful:

Teaching the Difficult Child

Beyond Obedience: Raising Children Who Love God and Others

Biblical Insights Into Child Training

Loving and Teaching The Difficult Child

The Delightful Family

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